I don't know why, but I feel the need to just get real with you. For real.
I want to do this, because I think most of us feel the same way. No, ALL of us do.
If you happen to be someone who follows my Facebook posts from time to time, then you'll know I already am a rather real and genuine person.
If you happen to be someone who has heard my music on Youtube, then you know I express my sincerest emotions and feelings in my music, too.
But tonight I just want to straight up tell you where I'm at, without hiding behind music or memes. A meme that I posted today sparked the inspiration to do this.
This meme:
It's not even that clever or witty or poetic, but it struck a chord.
I think the one thing that is the root of all suffering for all humankind is
Lack of connection.
Feeling set apart and alone.
Feeling different, and unlovable, and misunderstood, and such an epic failure
compared to everyone else.
Every. One. Else.
But it isn't until we openly share with others what we truly struggle with, what's buried deep in our hearts, that we realize.....
We Are Not Alone.
Aside from those of us who have to fear war, natural disasters, displacement, slavery, violence, marginalization or other life- or quality-of-life-threatening things.....
We basically all share the same fears.
The fear of:
Not being Good Enough.
Not being Lovable Enough.
Not being Connected Enough.
Forget Success. Forget Money. Those are just Smoke & Mirrors.
We all want to be enough. To be loved. To be known and understood.
The best way to achieve those things is to be real.
Be real with yourself and what you believe you can do and who you are. Listen to your heart.
Be real with others. True relationship isn't even possible without being open, without just sharing what's really on our hearts.
I'm not saying we have to go up to every stranger and tell them our deepest fears, or our weirdest habits, unless it feels right. But whether it's a friend, family member, co-worker, acquaintance, or random person in the coffee shop, be open with your struggles.
It's a risk, yes. You might get weird looks, yes. That friend may never reply to your texts again. But chances are higher that the person you are speaking with will open up, too.
And then you will connect on a much deeper level.
When you learn you are not alone in your struggles you will realize you are experiencing the shared human condition, not the consequences of your perceived inadequacies.
Don't suffer in silence.
Don't feel you are alone with your nuances, oddities, phobias, struggles, doubts, depression and mental illness, your idiosyncrasies.
You most certainly are not.
And now the part where I open up:
My entire life has changed in the last year and a half.
I left my marriage.
I left my church.
I left my job.
I lost some friends.
I felt lost and aimless.
Old wounds and insecurities were coming up, and I fell into situational depression.
My music wasn't picking up.
I don't know where I will be living next year.
My heart was broken by someone I fell in love with.
Cue the anxiety, feeling not good enough, feeling like an imposter, feeling like an epic failure, feeling lost, feeling disconnected. And on my worst days I could spiral into the Pit of Despair (if I may quote The Princess Bride).
But, throughout it all, thanks to my faith, I have been real.
Real with myself, listening to my heart, and navigating my way through healing.
Real with others. Anyone who knows me knows the real me.
There are no masks. No games.
If you ask me how I am, you will get a real answer, whether or not you wanted it.
And through my faith, and through connection, there is a bright side to my story:
I would not change one thing about this last year and a half.
I am healthier and happier now.
I found a new church.
I have more than enough jobs.
I have made new friends.
I have a little more direction than before (although that part still needs work).
I have found ways to heal deeply, within and without, and to feel gratitude for what I have.
I am mostly at peace with where my music is at.
I am at peace with not knowing what the future may bring.
I learned my heart was always whole.
I regret no decision I have made in the past few years.
I know I am where I am meant to be.
I also understand the root of my deepest suffering:
I just want to be known and understood.
I just want connection and to be loved.
I just want people to reach out to me, to feel safe to be real with me.
And ultimately, I think that's what everyone wants, and when that doesn't happen, it causes such immense other-worldly pain. But like I said in my post about not depending on the emotions and reactions of others, we have to find different ways to create that connection and peace, whether it's through meditation and prayer, spending time with animals or surrounded by nature, by calling a long lost friend or family member that you've been thinking of, by introducing yourself to your neighbour down the street, or by buying a random person a coffee. There are many ways to create the connection that we all crave so deeply.
I think the theme song for my life would be "Come Talk To Me" by Peter Gabriel.
It has been my absolute favorite song for as long as I can remember, yet I never understood why I loved the song so much. I never even really paid attention to the lyrics.
But recently I found out he wrote it about his estranged daughter, who he so desperately wanted to reconnect with. Powerful stuff.
Then I knew why the song resonated. I am always reaching out.
Reaching out for those who feel that deep call to be real.
Will you take my hand?